Screwed Over

NOTE/WARNING:
As you've probably noticed by now, I have a pretty sick little mind. *giggles* This ramble is further proof of it. It's so bad, I had to put this warning at the beginning. Ok, so what's so wrong with this ramble? Well, I had the dumb idea of thinking how funny it would be to write a ramble based on the Seinfeld episode "The Contest". Now, I had absolutely no intention of actually going through with it, but I made the mistake of telling someone, who will remain nameless, about it and now I'm being forced to write it. If you aren't familiar with Seinfeld, and have no idea what you're about to dive into, I'm warning you now that this ramble is...um...sexually charged and deals with a topic that makes some people uncomfortable. If you're easily offended, head back. If you don't give a crap what the hell you read, by all means proceed. And to those sick minds who made me write this--you know who you are--here you go.
One final thing: this whole ramble parodies the Seinfeld episode. I take no credit for the idea or the phrase 'master of your domain'. That's all Seinfeld. (I love that show!)
One more time. This is rated R

(reno, irvine, sephiroth, rufus, zell, seifer, rude and squall are in the ramble room, not looking too happy)

Seifer: "Why did *all* the girls decide to go on vacation *together*?!" *mumbles* "I'm kinda backed up here."

Reno: "I know what you mean, man. Desperate times call for desperate measures."

Sephiroth: *mutters* "Every day is a 'desperate time' for me."

Zell: "Wait! Are you guys talking about..." *quietly* "Jerking off?"

Irvine: "Ding ding ding! We have a winner!"

Zell: *blushes* "Oh...."

Reno: "Don't be embarrassed, man. Every guy does it. Just some do it more than others."

Irvine: "I almost never have to do it."

Reno: "Oh yeah? I don't believe that load! I bet I could refrain from doing it longer than you!"

Rude: *mumbles* "Uh oh...."

Irvine: "I don't think so!"

Reno: "I bet you 100 Gil I can!"

Irvine: "Make it 200 and you're on!"

Reno: "Deal...." *evil smile, looks around* "But let's get everyone else involved in this too."

Zell: "What?!"

Irvine: "What's the matter, Zell?" *laughs* "Not 'master of your domain'?"

Zell: *pouts* "Am so! I'm in!"

Reno: "How about you, Rufus?"

Rufus: "I think you're disgusting."

Reno: "Chicken."

Rufus: "I'm in."

Irvine: "Seifer?"

Seifer: "I can best all of you! Sure, why not!"

Reno: "Rude, man?"

Rude: "......I don't have a choice, do I?"

Reno: "No."

Rude: "I thought as much."

Irvine: "Squall?"

Zell: "Wait! Come on! He'll win for sure! Nothing affects Squall!"

Squall: "Whatever. I'm in anyway."

Reno: *eyes sephy* "Well Sephiroth? What do you say to our little wager?"

Sephiroth: *sweat drops* "Uh....." *gulp* "Sure! Why not?"

Irvine: "Well boys, this is it. Survival of the strongest. We're all on the honor system, so no cheating. You screw up, you 'fess up. Winner gets all the money."

Seifer: "Get ready to pay me! I can go 3 times longer than you guys!"

(dead silence for a minute. the guys all look uncomfortable)

Seifer: "This is going to be hard."

(2 days later. same guys are in the ramble room)

Reno: "I'm surprised no one's given in yet."

Rufus: "Me too."

Seifer: "I have to admit though...it's been hard. I can't wait for the girls to get back, ya know?"

Zell: *looks around at the messy ramble room* "Boy, the ramble room sure is a mess!"

Sephiroth: "Well none of you losers bothered to clean it!"

(suddenly the door opens and lark, shell, jackie, michelle and rinoa enter)

Lark: "Boys, we're--" *stops dead* "What the *hell* did you do to the ramble room?!"

Guys: *sweat drops* "Nothing."

Michelle: "What a pigsty!"

Jackie: "I'm surprised at you guys!"

Lark: "I'm really mad! Now clean it up!" *stomps out*

Reno: "Michelle, babe! I've missed you!"

Michelle: "I was going to give you a little present, but now I'm not!" *stomps out*

Seifer: "Hi, Jackie!"

Jackie: "Go screw yourself!" *marches out*

Seifer: *frowns* "I can't...."

Shell: "I'm disappointed in you, Rude." *leaves*

Rude: *unhappy sigh*

Rinoa: "I'm mad too Squall." *leaves*

Squall: "Wait, Rinoa! Does this mean I'm not getting any!"

Rinoa's voice: "Yes!"

Squall: *pales* "Crap."

(guys eye one another)

Irvine: "Well this sucks! Now we won't get anything from the girls either."

Everyone: *sweat drops*

Sephiroth: *head in his hands* "Never should have gotten involved..."

(the next morning. all the guys are standing around in the ramble room, looking uncomfortable. everyone but squall. finally he comes in very slowly. he goes over to the table and puts down 200 gil)

Irvine: *jaw drops* "You're *out*?!"

Zell: "Squall?! You?"

Squall: "Yeah...." *mutters* "She wouldn't go near me, so I...."

Seifer: *in amazement* "Oh man. We're all screwed." *Everyone glares at him* "What?"

(later that day....)

(Seifer's hanging out outside, trying to stay far far away from any distractions)

Jackie: *coming out in a skimpy bikini* "Get out of my way, Seifer! I'm trying to sunbathe!" *she pushes him out of her way and lays down right in front of him*

Seifer: "Uh....." *drool* "Um...Jackie--"

Jackie: *closes eyes* "Don't even think about it. Us girls are mad at you guys for messing up the ramble room!"

Seifer: "Dammit...." *shifts uncomfortably, eyes glued to jackie* "It's not fair....this is hard...."

Jackie: "You wanna shut up? I didn't come out here to hear you whine!" *takes out some suntan lotion and starts putting it all over herself*

Seifer: "That's it." *runs inside*

(later....all the guys still involved in this wager are sitting around in the ramble room, except seifer)

Sephiroth: *lying on the couch, moans* "This is the worst day of my life....."

Zell: "I can't believe Squall cracked so fast! I thought he would last the longest!"

Reno: "Goes to show ya! I for one am cruisin' on by no problems in site!"

Irvine: "Me too!"

Rude: "Uh....yeah..." *shifts uncomfortably* "Me too..."

Rufus: "Where's Seifer?"

(seifer comes strolling in)

Seifer: *grins* "Hey guys!"

Reno: *jumps to his feet and points at seifer* "You cracked!"

Seifer: *jaw drops* "Hey!" *quietly* "How did you know?"

Reno: *laughs* "Ha ha!" *sing song voice* "I knew it! I knew it! You can go three times longer than anyone, huh, Seifer?" *laughs*

Irvine: *offers his hat, where squall's money was put* "Pay up."

Seifer: *getting the money out of his pocket, mutters* "Damn Jackie for being so damn sexy." *drops 200 gil into the hat*

Reno: *grins* "Two down!"

Irvine: *lopsided smile* "Who will be next?"

(he and reno turn around)

Other guys: *sweat drops*

(the next day....rude runs into shell in the hallway)

Shell: *drawls* "Hi.....Rude...."

Rude: *looks over his sunglasses* "Hi, Shell."

Shell: *comes over to him* "Did I ever tell you how sexy you look in that uniform?"

Rude: *shakes head no eagerly*

Shell: *presses against him* "Well you do...."

(rude goes to kiss her, but at the last minute she jumps out of the way, laughing)

Shell: "Think we'd forgiven you guys that quickly? Dream on!" *leaves*

Rude: *stands frozen* "Well.........that was.....horrible."

(the next day reno, irvine, zell, sephiroth and rufus walk into the ramble room)

Irvine: "Hey, who left this note on the table?"

Rufus: *picks it up and reads* "You win. Rude." *pause* "Guess he gave in."

Reno: *blinks* "Wow. I'm surprised. I didn't think Rude of all people would cave so quickly."

Irvine: "In all honesty me neither. I thought Sephiroth would be the first to go."

Rufus: "Me too."

Sephiroth: "Hey! I resent that ignorant statement!"

Reno: *laughs* "Don't give us that! She walks into the room and you're halfway there already!"

Sephiroth: *frowns and pouts* "Not true."

Rufus: "So....who do you think will be the next?"

Irvine: "Only time will tell...."

(later on that same day....)

Zell: *knocks on the door to lark's room* "Lark?"

Lark: "Come in, Zell."

Zell: *goes in* "Hi! I was just wondering....are you girls still mad at us guys?"

Lark: *nods* "Yup. You should have thought twice before letting us see the ramble room in that condition."

Zell: *frowns* "Oh." *looks at what she's wearing* "Hey! That's the same outfit you wore when I asked you out! Remember?"

Lark: *grins* "Yeah.......and remember what we did that night?"

Zell: *thinks, dreamy smile coming to his face* "Oh *yeah*....."

Lark: "Glad you have such a vivid memory." *leaves the room*

Zell: "Huh?" *spins around* "Lark?" *whimpers* "Lark?"

(later.....all the guys that are left in the wager are in the room, except zell)

(all the guys sit in silence, glaring at each other)

Rufus: "I almost attacked Seifer today."

Irvine: "Why?"

Rufus: "Cause he looked so damn happy...." *darkly* "I hate him."

(reno inches away from rufus)

Sephiroth: *mutters* "Kill me....someone kill me...summon meteor, use Knights of the Round...something...anything...."

Reno: "Did you say something, Sephiroth?"

Sephiroth: "No!" *twitch* "I'm fine! Perfectly fine! Happy! Perfectly happy!"

Reno: *blinks* "Right....."

(zell enters)

Irvine: "Hi, Zell! Where have you been!"

Zell: *mumbles* "Scraping together 200 Gil...."

Reno: "You caved?!"

Zell: *nods* "Yeah...." *drops the money in irvine's hat* "Didn't think a memory could be so vivid..."

Irvine: *grins, and looks at everyone still in* "And then their were four...."

Sephiroth and Rufus: "Grrrrrrr......."

(next day....)

Sephiroth: *pacing* "Never should have gotten involved......I'm going more mad than I already am!" *thinks* "I know! Maybe if I see her it won't be as bad!" *runs to lark's room and runs in without knocking*

Lark: *who's naked* "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! SEPHIROTH!!!!"

Sephiroth: "OH MY GOD!" *runs out, slams the door shut and leans against it, panting* "Oh my god....oh my god oh my god oh my god! Ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod!" *takes a deep breath and starts massaging his forehead* "Heidegger in a thong...Heidegger in a thong...Heidegger in thong....." *pause* "It's not working!!!"

(later....irvine, reno and rufus are in the ramble room)

Rufus: "I hate women."

Reno: "Geez! Don't get bitter, man!"

Irvine: *grins* "Seems you and me are the only ones doing all right, huh, Reno?"

Reno: "Yeah, well life is full of surprises."

(sephiroth bursts in, and slams 200 gil on the counter)

Sephiroth: "Are you happy?! You got me! I gave it! I lost! I did it!"

Reno: *laughs* "It's about time!"

Irvine: "What made you give in?"

Sephiroth: *hands on the table, leans forward and says slowly* "I saw *her*....naked."

Reno and Irvine: *jaw drops* "Naked?"

Rufus: *pales and squeaks* "Naked?"

(later that day....irvine and reno are alone in the ramble room)

Reno: "This is turning out to be really funny."

Irvine: "You bet!"

Rufus: *comes strolling in, grinning and whistling* "Good afternoon, gentlemen!"

Reno: "Oh you *so* caved!"

Rufus: *plops down 200 gil* "She was *naked*! Besides, I would have killed myself if I had held back any more."

Reno: "Well, Kinneas, looks like it's down to you and me!"

Irvine: *takes a drink of water* "May the better pervert win."

(the next day....all the guys who lost the wager are in the ramble room are all excited about the new tv and vcr rufus bought for the ramble room yesterday. they're all crowded around)

Seifer: "What made you decide to buy this, Ru-man?"

Rufus: "I was just in such a great mood yesterday that I felt like giving back." *pats sephy on the back and mutters* "Thanks man. Best 200 Gil I ever spent."

Sephiroth: "And I actually *saw* it."

Zell: "So what movie did you get?"

Rufus: "I don't know, Rude rented."

Rude: *clears his throat* "I figured we could all use a good porn movie."

All others: "Whoo hoo!"

(irvine and reno come in)

Reno: "Hey *losers*! What are you doing?"

Zell: "Watching a porn movie."

Irvine: "Yee haw! Make room for me!"

Reno: *pales* "Um....I don't think I should!"

Irvine: "What's the matter, Reno? Think you'll have to give in if you watch?"

Reno: *gulp* "No......"

Irvine: "Then come on!"

(the start watching it. reno grows increasingly uncomfortable. finally, about 10 minutes into it..."

Reno: "I've gotta go!" *runs out of the room*

(none of the guys even turn their heads. about 10 minutes later, he comes back, smiling.)

Irvine: *without turning around* "Reno......admit it...."

Reno: "........fine. You win, Kinneas."

Irvine: *jumps to his feet* "All right! I win! I am the victor!"

Zell: "Shut up! We can't hear!"

Seifer: "Like you need to hear it anyway!"

Irvine: *picks up his hat with the money* "Wow! Look at all this money! I wonder what I'll do with it!"

Squall: "If you don't mind...we're trying to watch."

Irvine: *frowns, looks at the screen* "Um....I'm going into the bathroom, and I don't want to be disturbed, no matter *what* you hear. But remember, I win!" *runs out*

All guys: *sweat drops*

THE END


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