|
|
(the losers are all in their stupid little room. nida is reading the 'garden newsletter', heidegger is eating cheese doodles, hojo is trying to feel up kuja, who is looking bored, and scarlet is flipping through the tv channels)
Heidegger: "Gya haa haa! Cheese doodles are great!"
Scarlet: "At least it's real food."
Nida: *reads from the newsletter* "Headmaster Cid would like to thank the great Squall Leonheart for all he's done for Garden." *crumbles it up* "Don't make me barf."
Hojo: "Your skin's so soft, my dear."
Kuja: *pushes him off* "Of course it is. Now you've touched it enough."
Hojo: "I could never touch it enough."
Nida: "Ew! Stop doing that in front of me!! My virgin eyes!!" *covers eyes with newsletter* "AH! A PICTURE OF SQUALL!!!!!!!" *rips it up* "DIE! DIE, SQUALL!"
Scarlet: "Can you keep it down!? I'm trying to watch..." *stares at the screen* "....this scrambled channel."
Heidegger: *downing cheese doddles* "That's the Playboy channel! Gya haa haa!"
Scarlet: "It is?" *squints*
Nida: *throws pilliow at scarlet* "You're a bad influence! Change the channel, whore!"
Scarlet: "Make me!"
Hojo: *pins kuja to the couch* "Kuja! I can't stand it anymore! I have to have you!"
Kuja: *sighs* "I knew this would happen... Get off me, Hojo."
Hojo: "Please let me?"
Kuja: "No."
Hojo: "Please?"
Kuja: "No."
Hojo: "PLEASE?!"
Kuja: "No."
Scarlet: *drags hojo off* "Geez! Would you control yourself! You'll ruin Nida's fake virginess."
Nida: "Shut up, whore!"
Heidegger: "Gya haa waah! I am out of cheese doodles!!"
Kuja: *brushing himself off* "I require a bath."
Hojo: "May I join you?"
Kuja: "Absoultely not." *flips hair over his shoulder and leaves*
Hojo: *sigh* "I was *so* close."
Scarlet: "And yet so far."
Nida: "Would you take this channel off already?!?!?"
Heidegger: "I like it! Gya haa haa!"
Scarlet: "You can't even see anything, Nida!"
Nida: "....it's the...whatcha call it...principle."
(the sound of a shower being turned is heard, and then obviously, running water is heard)
Kuja's voice: "Has anyone seen my strawberry shower gel??"
Hojo: "I'll get it, my sweet! Heh heh heh..." *goes off*
Scarlet: "That's not gonna end well."
(there's a knock at the door)
Everyone: *blinks*
(silence. someone knocks again)
Scarlet: ".....I think someone's at the door."
Heidegger: "Gya haa haa! No way!"
Scarlet: "Nida, get the door."
Nida: "You get off your ass and get it!"
Scarlet: "Get it and I'll change the channel."
Nida: *annoyed sigh* "Fine."
(he gets up and gets the door. and who is standing there, but....michelle?)
Nida: *blinks* "A popular person?"
Michelle: "Nida!" *glomps nida*
Scarlet: "Isn't she the drunken one?"
Heidegger: "Gya haa haa! I thought that was you!"
Scarlet: "Eat your cheese doodles and shut up."
Heidegger: "I ran out! Gya haa haa!"
Scarlet: "Then eat the damn bag and shut up."
Heidegger: "Gya haa haa! Great idea!" *starts eating the bag*
Nida: *blinks* "Did you get lost?"
Michelle: "No! I came to see you!"
Nida: *turns to scarlet, totally amazed* "You hear that? She came to see me."
Scarlet: "It boggles the mind."
Michelle: "You know, everyone else in the ramble room might hate you, but I really like you! I think you're awesome!"
Nida: "You hear that, Scarlet! She thinks I'm awesome!"
Scarlet: "That's not going to make me like you, Nida."
Michelle: "Anyway, I just broke up with my boyfriend, and I was wondering if you'd want to go out with me!"
Nida: *blinks* "Are you kidding?"
Michelle: "No."
Nida: *looks behind her* "Is this a dare? I bet Lark is laughing her ass off around the corner or something."
Michelle: "No, I'm totally serious! I told Lark I was gonna ask you out and she yelled a lotta unpleasant stuff at me before she fainted. So I don't think I'm allowed in there while we're going out. ...If we go out anyway, you still haven't said yes."
Nida: "Of course I'll say yes! You think I'm going to turn you down! Haha!" *turns to scarlet* "You hear that, Scarlet?! I have a girlfriend!!"
Scarlet: "I am truly shocked."
Michelle: "Yay!" *hugs nida*
Kuja's voice: *girly scream* "HOJO! GET OUT OF MY SHOWER!"
Hojo's voice: "Hahaha! I've got you now!!"
Scarlet: *sigh* "I'll go pry Hojo off Kuja. In the meantime, why don't you get the mail, Heidegger?"
Heidegger: *chomping away at the bag* "Gya haa haa! But we never get mail!"
Scarlet: "Just go!!"
(she stomps off, and heidegger goes out to get the mail)
Nida: "Look! We can have the couch all to ourselves!!" *drags michelle over*
Michelle: *frowns* "Uh....what's that on TV?"
Nida: "Damn you, Scarlet!!!" *grabs the remote and shuts the tv off* "Eh heh. All gone."
(scarlet comes back in, dragging a wet hojo)
Hojo: "I touched it! I touched it!!"
Nida: "Virgin ears!!!"
(heidegger enters, eating the last of the bag. he's holding one letter)
Heidegger: "Gya haa haa! Hojo! You got a letter!!"
Hojo: "I did?!?!?!" *grabs it and looks at the return address with a gasp* "Oh my! It's from the Boy Scouts of America!"
Scarlet: "This is not gonna turn out well."
Hojo: *rips it open* "I don't believe it! I've been made a Scout leader!"
Scarlet: "Oh no. Not good at all."
Hojo: "I start tomorrow!! Troop 6969!"
Scarlet: "Oh good g-d."
Hojo: "You can all help!"
Everyone: *sweat drops*
Kuja's voice: "I need a towel!"
Hojo: "I'll get you one, my sweet!" *runs out*
Scarlet: "Oh no you don't!" *follows*
Heidegger: "Gya haa haa! I'm out of bag!"
Michelle: "Eh heh." *sweat drops*
Nida: "Yeah, so, sorry
things are pretty boring around here. They'll pick up."
Michelle: *yawn* "I slept pretty well, even though I kept hearing these weird noises."
Nida: "I can't believe you kissed me!"
Michelle: "You're my *boyfriend*. Of *course* I kissed you."
Nida: "You kissed me!"
Michelle: *sighs* "Yes, Nida. Now shut up about it."
(scarlet enters in some skanky lingere)
Scarlet: "Nida! Make my coffee!"
Nida: "Bite me, whore!"
Scarlet: "You wish!"
Nida: "I don't need you anymore! I got Michelle!" *puts arm around michelle*
Michelle: "Eh heh." *sweat drops*
Heidegger: *comes in* "Gya haa haa! Morning everyone!"
Scarlet: "Shut up. It is *not* a good morning. I need coffee." *starts making it*
(just then hojo and kuja come in, both in boy scout uniforms)
Hojo: "Good morning, everyone! It's a wonderful day with the sun and the clouds and so on and so forth!"
Kuja: "This uniform makes my hips look big."
Hojo: "You look lovely as always, my pet."
Scarlet: "Like I said, this is not gonna be good."
Hojo: "Hurry up, everyone! We have a Scout meeting in the back woods at 12!"
Scarlet: "I don't want to help you with your Boy Scout troop! I'll just get arrested too, you sick pervert!"
Hojo: "Nonsense! We're just going to earn our first merit badge!" *grins*
Michelle: ".....which would be??"
Hojo: *shifty eyes* "I can't discuss that right now."
Nida: "Can I earn the merit badge?"
Hojo: "No!!!" *looks at kuja and licks his lips* "But Kuja can. Many *many* times over."
Nida: "EW! My virgin eyes and ears, you sick, twisted old freak!"
Michelle: "Poor Kuja. I love Kuja!"
Scarlet: "No one loves Kuja more than himself."
Nida: "Do Michelle and I have to come to your stupid meeting, Hojo?"
Hojo: "Of course you do! And you can bring the snack!"
Heidegger: "I'll bring the snack! Gya haa haa!"
Hojo: "No, you'll just eat the snack."
Nida: "Yesterday, Heidegger ate three cereal boxes."
Michelle: "Whoa! That's a lot of cereal!"
Nida: "No, no cereal. Just the boxes."
Michelle: "Uh-huh."
Scarlet: "So how old are these Boy Scouts? What, are they Eagle Scouts, or whatever the hell the highest one is?"
Hojo: "They are 12. The perfect age."
Everyone: *sweat drops*
Heidegger: "Gya haa haa! We are out of cereal boxes!"
Hojo: "Then eat things in the woods! We have to go!"
Scarlet: "Yeah, eat something poisonous." *walks out* "Kuja! I'm borrowing your pink sweater!"
Kuja: "You better not ruin it!" *pouts*
Heidegger: *digging through the cabinet* "Gya haa haa! Expired peanuts!"
Nida: "Well, it's still real food."
Heidegger: "Gya haa haa!" *eats the bag dumping peanuts on floor*
Everyone: *blinks*
Michelle: "What the hell was that?"
Kuja: *sigh* "Now there are peanuts all over the floor."
Michelle: "Does he realize he just ate plastic?"
Nida: "Yesterday he ate our TV remote. Hojo had to make another one."
Hojo: *pouts* "I had to use parts from the camera I had installed in Kuja's room."
Kuja: "WHAT?!"
Hojo: *sweat drops* "Nothing, my pretty little pet!"
Scarlet's voice: "KUJA! I'm borrowing your black skirt with the slit up the side too!"
Kuja: "Fine! But you still owe me a new pair of heels!"
Michelle: "This is
gonna be a loooooooooooooooooooooooooong day."
Kuja: "Why does the meeting have to be in the woods?" *annoyed sigh* "I'm getting twigs in my beautiful hair!"
Scarlet: *muttering as she smacks away tree branches* "It's so the cops can't find him."
Heidegger: "Gya haa haa!" *eats some leaves right off a branch*
Michelle: *shudders*
Nida: "See this! SQUALL was never a Boy Scout!"
Scarlet: "You're not a Boy Scout either, Nida."
Nida: "Says you, whore!"
Scarlet: "Hojo, is Nida a Boy Scout?"
Hojo: "NO!"
Nida: *pouts* "I *could* be. I could be anything I want!"
Heidegger: "Gya haa haa!" *eats more leaves*
Kuja: "I still don't understand why I couldn't wear the uniform with the skirt."
Hojo: "For the last time, this *isn't* the Girl Scouts."
Heidegger: "Gya haa haa! I love those cookies!"
Michelle: "Beats eating leaves I guess." *sweat drops*
Hojo: "We're here!!"
(they reach a small clearing)
Scarlet: "Talk about out of the way..."
Nida: "I claim that rock!!" *goes to sit on a big rock* "Come sit on my lap, Michelle!"
Michelle: "All right..." *she does*
Scarlet: "So what exactly are they going to have to do to earn this, quote, 'merit badge', Hojo?"
Hojo: "Build a lean-to."
Scarlet: "Wonderful."
Michelle: "I have a question about Kuja."
Nida: "Don't we all."
Michelle: "Do you think he'd make out with me?"
Nida: "Are you kidding? He's the gayest gay of all the gays! He cross-dresses! He looks so much like a girl, Heidegger thought he was his mail order br--" *stops* "Wait...yeah....he does look a *lot* like a girl...."
Michelle: "Nida, what are you talking about?"
Nida: "I'll be right back!!" *pushes michelle off him and goes over to kuja* "Hiya, Kuja."
Kuja: *applying grape flavored lip gloss* "What is it?"
Nida: "What would it take to get you to make out with a girl?"
Kuja: "I wouldn't make out with Scarlet if it was between her and Hojo. I don't even want to think about what rat-diseases she's carrying."
Nida: "No, not Scarlet! Michelle!"
Kuja: "Oh, the blonde? Isn't she your girlfriend?"
Nida: "Yeah..."
Kuja: *blinks* "Then why are you trying to get me to make out with her?"
Nida: "Does it matter?!"
Kuja: "Well...I don't like girls, but she's quite pretty--though not as pretty as me, and besides, if Hojo catches us that might deter him for awhile into thinking I'm straight."
Nida: *rolls eyes* "Yeah, like that'll ever work. All right, come on!" *drags kuja over* "Come on, Michelle! He said yes!"
Michelle: "All right!" *blinks* "Wait...Nida...why are you allowing this?"
Nida: "Never mind that!" *grabs her by the wrist* "Let's go!"
Hojo: *rubs his hands together* "The little boys should be arriving soon!"
Scarlet: "If I was one of those people who cared, I would probably call the cops."
Heidegger: "Gya haa haa! This weed has three leaves!!"
Hojo: "That is poison ivy, you imbecile!"
Heidegger: *eats it* "Gya haa haa! Itchy!"
Hojo: *hits himself in the forehead* "Is he ever full?"
Scarlet: "Beats me. So you think these Boy Scouts will have brothers and fathers interested in my services?"
Heidegger: "Or dogs! Gya haa haa!"
Scarlet: "That's it! I'm gonna cram rocks down your throat!" *chases*
(five minutes later)
Scarlet: *winded* "I give up."
Hojo: *looks around* "Where is my pretty angel of death?"
Scarlet: "Beats me. And where'd that little brat Nida go?"
Heidegger: "Gya haa haa! I saw them go off into the woods!"
Hojo: "WHAT?! My Kuja picked that stupid little boy over *me*!?"
Heidegger: "Gya haa haa! I think he'd pick a goat over you!"
Scarlet: "And Nida's supposed to like me! Not girly men!"
Hojo: "I'm going to put a stop to this!"
(they stomp on into the woods. meanwhile, michelle is making out with kuja while nida eagerly watches)
Nida: *mutters* "Heh heh... It's just like watching two girls make out. Hehehe."
Michelle: *pulls away breathlessly* "Wow, Kuja! You're the best kisser ever!"
Kuja: *flips hair over shoulder* "I know."
Nida: "Hey! What about me?"
Michelle: "Are you still here?"
Nida: "Don't mind me!"
Michelle: "I won't!" *starts kissing kuja again*
(hojo and the others stomp over)
Heidegger: "Gya haa haa! All right!! Two girls going at it!"
Hojo: "That's not a girl, you fool! That's Kuja!"
Heidegger: "Gya haa haa! Same thing!"
Hojo: "Kuja! How dare you cheat on me??"
Kuja: *breaks away and stands* "I'm *not* cheating on you. I'm straight, can't you see?"
Hojo: "Kuja, you're no straighter than a flight of spiral steps."
Heidegger: "Gya haa haa! It looked like two girls!"
Michelle: "WHAT?!" *looks at nida* "Is that why you let me make out with Kuja?"
Nida: *sweat drops* "Uh....no."
Michelle: "Nida! How could you! You're a pervert!"
Nida: "No I'm not! Look, if it will make things even, I'll kiss Scarlet!"
Michelle: "Ugh! I wouldn't wish that on anyone!" *hugs nida* "I still love you!"
????: *from far away* "Is this where the meeting is?"
????: "I guess. ...Kinda weird that it's in the woods though."
Hojo: *eyes light up* "They're here!! Let's go!!" *grabs kuja's hand and drags him away*
Scarlet: "When the police get here, we were all innocent bystanders, all right?"
Heidegger: "Gya haa haa!! Tree moss!" *eats it*
Scarlet: "Except you."
Hojo: "Hello, little boys. I am Professor Hojo, your Scout leader, and this is my assistant, Kuja."
Kuja: *flips hair over shoulder*
Kid 1: *raises hand* "Is that a girl?"
Kuja: "I wish."
Hojo: "Of course not! He's cleary a man! ....a very *pretty* man."
Kid 2: "Why's he wearing make-up then?"
Kuja: "Are they making fun of me?"
Hojo: "Oh no. Of course not, love muffin. They're just jealous."
Kuja: "Of course they are."
Hojo: "As I was saying, today we will be earning our first merit badge."
Kid 3: *raises hand* "Professor Hojo!!"
Hojo: *annoyed sigh* "Yes, what is it, little boy?"
Kid 3: "Who are those people?" *points to scarlet, heidegger, nida and michelle*
Hojo: "They are not important. Pretend they're not even here."
Nida: "Hey! You made us come all the way here, you stupid jerk!"
Michelle: *sarcastically* "Ooh. That was a good one, Nida."
Scarlet: "Hey, kids, make sure you have your fathers and brothers over the age of 18 come and see me when they come to pick you up!"
Hojo: "No advertising during the meeting!! We have work to do!"
(so hojo gets the kids organized, and they start gathering sticks and what not while he watches. kuja sits on a rock and brushes his hair. scarlet is trying to get kuja to lend her his brush, nida and michelle are talking, and heidegger is eating mushrooms)
Nida: "So isn't Squall a huge jerk? I think he's a huge jerk. You know, he told me *he* thinks he's a huge jerk too, so what does that tell you? You know, half those GF's he got he stole! Yeah! He stole them! He didn't fight them at all! All that stuff in the game, he made that stuff up. But really, he stole them. Him and Zell. Zell's a big jerk too. Zell used to be a girl, that's why he's so short. And Irvine, he's really gay. He just pretends to hit on girls so no one will suspect, but he's sooooooo gay. Really gay. Gayer than Kuja."
Michelle: *blinks* "Nida, I'm all up for the Zell bashing, but can you leave Squall and Irvine out of this? And you've been talking non-stop about how much you hate Squall for ten minutes. Can we talk about something else?"
Nida: "I hate Seifer too, but only because he's a jerk. He's not great or anything. He sucks more than I--er....Squall does. And someday I'm going to rule Garden *and* drive it. And then I'll take over Balamb and Galbadia, and then I'll kick Laguna out of Esthar and take over that too! Then, when I have all the nations, I'll take over Centra and Trabia, even though not much is there. I'll show those Shumi jerk who's boss of them! Charging 5,000 Gil for their Ultima draw point! It's not that good a spell anyway! I'm such a great magic caster, that my fire spell causes more damage than Squall's Ultima spell!"
Michelle: "Yeah, sure it does, Nida." *checks watch*
Kuja: *whining* "Hojo......I need a mirror! I don't know how pretty I look!"
Hojo: "Darling, you look *very* pretty! Can't you take my word for it?"
Kuja: "Is my eye liner on straight?"
Hojo: "It could not be more perfect."
Scarlet: *pokes kuja* "Can I have the brush now?"
Kuja: "Absolutely not! I do not want your bleached blonde strands contaminating my brush! And don't touch me!" *moves away*
Heidegger: "Gya haa haa! I am out of mushrooms!" *looks around and spots rocks* "Mmm! Graintey!" *he eats one and starts to choke on it*
Michelle: "Nida, Heidegger's choking."
Nida: "So then I said to Headmaster Cid--"
Michelle: "Nida!"
Nida: "Yeah, I heard you, so then..."
Kuja: "Hm. Heidegger's choking again."
Scarlet: *picking at her nails* "Good. Maybe he'll die."
Heidegger: "G---y---!!!!"
Kid: "He's choking!!"
Another kid: "We have to help him!!"
Hojo: "Forget him! Build the lean-to!"
Kid: "Give him the Heimlech manuveur!"
Hojo: *sigh* "Fine, save him and then get back to what you were doing."
(and so the boy scouts save heidegger and he chokes back up that rock)
Heidegger: "Gya haa haa! I can breathe! Gya haa haa haa haa haa haa!!"
Scarlet: *winces* "Dammit."
Nida: "So then Headmaster Cid told me to shut up, but I don't think---"
Michelle: "Nida! Shut up!!" *sigh* "Don't you even care if your *friend* is choking?"
Nida: *blinks* "My friend?"
Michelle: "Heidegger!! I mean, Hojo and Scarlet and Kuja and Heidegger are all your friends, right?"
Nida: *starts laughing hysterically* "Hahaha! Them! Friends! Hahahahaha!!!"
Michelle: *blinks* "...did I miss something?"
(the boy scouts assemble their lean-to)
Kid: "All done!!"
Hojo: "Exxxxxxxxxxxxxcellent. Now, I'm going to go in there, and you all come in one by one and get your merit badges. Starting with you." *grabs kuja and pulls him in*
Kid 2: *blinks* "....but he's not even a Boy Scout!"
(we hear struggling from inside the structure)
Kuja's voice: "Hojo! Release me!"
Hojo's voice: "I can't! You're much too pretty!!"
Kuja's voice: *yelps*
Boy Scouts: *blink*
Kid 4: "What's going on in there?"
Kid 5: "Sounds like fighting..."
Kid 6: "Oh, look! He left the merit badges out here! We can just take them and go home!!"
Boy Scouts: "Yay!!!"
(they all grab a badge and start leaving the woods)
Scarlet: "Wait, kids! Lead me to your hopefully-single or unfaithful fathers!!" *follows*
(scarlet and the kids clear out, leaving nida, michelle and heidegger alone with the noises coming from the lean-to)
Michelle: "You know, today sucked."
Nida: "But since you got to spend it with me it was better, right?"
Michelle: "No, it still sucked."
Kuja's voice: "GET OFF!!"
(kuja then comes marching out of the lean-to, his shirt askew, and his hair a mess. just as he leaves, the whole thing collapses on hojo)
Hojo's voice: "Ow!!! The sticks are poking me!!! Help!! ...Help me!!! ....Love muffin? Help me? ....Kuja? ....Nida? ...Anyone? .................Heidegger? ...Is anyone there?"
Kuja: "Next time I'll do something *else* with the sticks. Hmph." *walks off in a huff*
Scarlet: *returns looking unhappy* "Why do the *mother's* always have to pick the kids up?"
Hojo's voice: "Someone help me!"
Nida: "Let's go home."
Michelle: "Yes, please."
Heidegger: "Gya haa haa! Shotgun!"
Scarlet: "We didn't
come in a car, you ass!"
Scarlet: "That's it for the Boy Scout troop."
Nida: "Good ridence!"
Kuja: *sigh* "I require another bath...."
Hojo: "I--"
Kuja: *snaps* "I've had enough of you for one day!!"
Hojo: "But love muffin!"
Heidegger: "Gya haa haa! Shot down!"
Hojo: *snaps* "Oh, why couldn't you have died?!"
Scarlet: "Because we're not that lucky."
Nida: "Who asked you, whore?"
Scarlet: "Shut up, jackass!!"
(they all start yelling at one another, and in the midst of this, michelle gets up, and she looks really angry)
Michelle: "SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
(and they do. in fact, they all look at her meekly)
Michelle: "You're all nuts!! And I thought *we* were mean to one another back in the ramble room!! I don't know how you guys don't kill one another!! I've had enough!!" *goes to leave*
Nida: "Uh....see you tomorrow?"
Michelle: "Oh, we are *so* broken up." *slams door shut*
Nida: *blinks*
Heidegger: "Gya haa haa! Shot down!"
Nida: "Shut up! At least I had a girlfriend for a day!"
All: "...................."
Hojo: "I believe we learned something today."
Scarlet: "What? Don't eat rocks?"
Heidegger: "Gya haa haa! Tasty!"
Hojo: "No. I think we all learned that love is fleeting--and that we must grab onto it while we can." *looks at kuja*
Kuja: "Oh no." *turns and runs*
Hojo: *follows* "Wait a minute love muffin!!!!"
Scarlet: *blinks* "Yeah, so that's it for that. Who's up for TV?"
(she turns it on, and it's the same channel that was on yesterday....except it's no longer scrambled)
Heidegger, Scarlet and Nida: *jaws hit the floor*
Scarlet: "Well....maybe it wasn't such a bad day after all."
Yeah! The BACK
button!!!