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I gotta admit this is based on the Friends episode "The One Where Everyone Finds Out". A truly great episode. Enjoy ^_^
Reeve: *looks over at tseng* "What are you reading?"
Tseng: *clears throat nervously and puts down the cd jacket for the full monty* "Nothing."
Vincent: *looks at seph* "You seem restless, my angel."
Sephiroth: *looks even more impatient* "I'm not at all. What are you talking about, Vincent?"
Vincent: "It's just that--"
(the door opens and lark sticks her head in)
Lark: "Oh. Hi guys." *looks at seph and smiles* "Oh, Seph~iroth! I need some help fixing the tv in my room. Will you help me?"
Sephiroth: "Finally." *jumps up and runs out, shutting the door behind him*
Guys: *blink*
Tseng: "Uh....he was a little eager to fix her tv."
Reeve: "That's the 7th time her tv has broken this week."
Tseng: "And her VCR has been broken 5 times."
Reeve: "And her CD player twice."
Tseng: "And why does she always ask Sephiroth to help her? I mean, there are people who have more knowledge about that kind of thing."
Vincent: "Hm. You two *are* dense."
Tseng and Reeve: "Huh?" *look at vincent*
Vincent: *sigh* "They're *together*."
Tseng: "You mean..."
Reeve: "They're *dating*?!"
Tseng: "And everytime they go off to 'fix' something they're..."
Reeve: "Doing..."
Vincent: "Yup."
Tseng and Reeve: "Oh wow."
Tseng: "Sephiroth told you?"
Vincent: "No. I simply figured it out. It's not that hard. But they seem to have fooled everyone else. Even those of us who are intelligent."
Reeve: "Why are they doing this behind everyone's back?"
Tseng: "That's not fair. If you're in a relationship, you should be open about it."
Reeve: "Right."
Vincent: *shakes head sadly*
Reeve: "I think we should expose them. Don't you think, Vincent?"
Vincent: ".......yes."
Tseng: "What, you mean just go up there and confront them?"
Reeve: "That's no fun."
Tseng: "Reeve?"
Reeve: *laughs almost evilly*
Tseng: "Uh oh. Reeve's getting ideas."
Vincent: "Do tell."
Tseng: "Vincent!"
Reeve: "We can play with their heads a little. You know, we can buy Lark a new tv, and next time she says she needs her tv to be fixed, we give her the new one."
Vincent: "Where will we get the tv?"
Reeve: "We'll make Rufus buy it."
Tseng: "Why don't we just tell them we figured it out?"
Reeve: "Oh! And even better, honey, you can hit on Lark and make her think you've made a big mistake and are really straight."
Tseng: "What?! Reeve! Are you nuts?"
Vincent: "I think it would be humorous."
Tseng: "You two aren't acting like yourselves at all."
Reeve: "It's what boredom does to a person."
Tseng: "I think we should just tell them."
Reeve: "No. We're doing my plan."
Tseng: "I don't know.... I think it would be kind of weird to hit on a girl when I'm *married* to you."
Reeve: "Shush!!"
Vincent: "Oh, please. Like me and everyone else around here doesn't know you two are still married. You still wear your rings!"
(reeve and tseng look down at their rings and then at each other)
Reeve: "Okay, so Vincent can know."
Vincent: *aggravated sigh*
Reeve: "Anyway, sweetie, it's not like she's going to hit on you back! She's too in love with Sephiroth. You'll be fine. Hit on her once, and she'll come clean. She *has* to."
Tseng: "If you're sure..."
Reeve: "Of course. Have I ever been wrong?"
Tseng: *goes to talk*
Reeve: "Don't answer that."
Vincent: "Shush, someone's coming."
(rufus enters, looking kind of lost)
Rufus: "Hey, guys. Where is everyone? And has anyone seen Lark?"
Tseng: "No--"
Reeve: "Actually, Lark asked us to ask you to buy her a new tv, since hers is broken."
Rufus: "Oh yeah. She has been complaining about that a lot lately." *sigh* "All right, I've got nothing better to do. I'll go buy a tv."
Reeve: "Make it a nice one."
Rufus: "Of course I'll make it a nice one! What kind of cheapskate do you think I am?!"
Tseng: "You still owe me two weeks pay."
Rufus: "Hey, see where you gotta go. I'm strapped for cash this week." *walks out*
Tseng: "He hates me. And not even a little. He hates me a lot."
Reeve: "Forget Rufus. Tomorrow we'll know the one thing everyone in the ramble room is *dying* to know."
Tseng: "Technically....we already know..."
Reeve: ".....You know
what I'm talking about."
Tseng: "Well at least he got a nice tv."
Vincent: "He is true to his word.....sometimes."
Reeve: "Yup. We're all set."
Tseng: "Hey, since Lark gets this tv....who gets her not broken old tv?"
Reeve: *shrugs* "We could take it."
Tseng: "Do you think it gets Showtime?"
Vincent: "Shush! Someone's coming!"
(reeve throws a sheet on the couch and then they all cram onto the couch as sephiroth strolls in)
Sephiroth: "Hey." *pauses and looks around* "Where has everyone else been lately? Or have you turned the ramble room into a gay bar?"
Tseng: "That's why you're here." *smile*
Sephiroth: *narrows eyes* "Very funny. Remind me to laugh hysterically later."
Reeve: "So, Sephiroth, did you manage to fix Lark's tv?"
Sephiroth: *sweat drops* "Uh....yeah. It's fine."
Vincent: "It sure has been breaking a lot, hasn't it?"
Sephiroth: "Yeah, well, old stuff breaks."
Tseng: "She's only had it a year."
Sephiroth: "That's *old*."
(then lark pokes her head in the room)
Lark: "There you are, Sephy!" *sees the other guys* "Oh, hi, you guys."
Vincent: "Hello, Lark."
Reeve: "How's the tv?"
Lark: "You know, still no good. Sephiroth wasn't able to fix it in one day."
Tseng: "But he just said it was fine."
Sephiroth: "Uh...I lied. Right. You know me, I lie like crazy. Basically everything I say is a lie. I'm one big liar."
Tseng: "......Does that mean you're lying right now?"
Sephiroth: ".......shut up."
Lark: "Well, it's still broken. Sephiroth, do you think you could finish fixing it?"
Sephiroth: "Su--"
Reeve: "Actually,that won't be necessary."
Sephiroth: "Wha?!"
(he and vincent go over and unveil the tv)
Reeve: "We bought you a new one, Lark, since you're old one is in *such* poor condition."
Lark: *shocked* "Uh....thanks?--yeah, thanks, you guys. That's very.....thoughtful."
Vincent: "It was the least we could do."
Lark: "Well, Sephiroth, you can help me install it."
Reeve: "Oh, don't trouble yourself. Vincent and I will help Sephiroth."
Tseng: "I'll keep you company, Lark."
Lark: "Uh....great. Yeah, great. Thanks....a lot."
Sephiroth: *darkly* "Yeah, thanks a lot."
Vincent: "Oh, it was nothing. Help us carry it, angel?"
(sephiroth grumbles all the way as he, vincent and reeve carry out the tv. lark has her back turned, so reeve mouths 'hit on her' to tseng as they leave. once they're gone, lark heaves a sigh and plops down on the couch. tseng takes a deep breath and sits on the couch too, right up against her. lark looks a little surprised, but she can't move away since she's sitting against the arm of the couch)
Lark: "So....what's new?"
Tseng: "Nothing." *swallows nervously and puts a hand on her leg* "You look really nice, Lark."
Lark: "Uh....thanks."
Tseng: "I like the way that outfit looks on you."
Lark: "Thanks...Tseng..." *is totally confused* "Are you okay....?"
Tseng: *turns away* "Nothing... It's just that... I've been rethinking my lifestyle."
Lark: "Huh?"
Tseng: *turns to her* "You're very attractive, Lark."
Lark: *is totally confused* "Uh....thanks.... But...uh...what about you and Reeve...?"
Tseng: "...I'm having second thoughts about that whole....thing."
(before lark can reply, reeve returns)
Reeve: "We put the tv in. Go take a look."
Lark: "Reeve!" *jumps up* "Great! I'll do that!" *runs out*
Reeve: *chuckles and looks at tseng* "I take it you did your job right."
Tseng: *gets up and comes over* "I guess so... It was so weird... I really didn't know what to say."
Reeve: "You did fine. She looked pretty freaked. She'll cave. Now come look at the tv and hit on her some more."
Tseng: "I don't know how much more of this I can take."
Reeve: "Sweetie, you'll
be fine." *kisses him* "You'll be fine. Let's go."
Lark: "You'll never believe what just happened."
Sephiroth: "I can't unless you tell me."
Lark: "Tseng was hitting on me."
Sephiroth: "What?! Not possible."
Lark: "I'm serious! He was talking about how he liked my outfit."
Sephiroth: "He probably just wants to try it on."
Lark: "Sephiroth! I'm serious. He was coming on to me!"
Sephiroth: "There's no way he was. The dork's married to the other dork, and they're enough to make anyone want to vomit."
Lark: "I don't know...he said he was having second thoughts..."
Vincent: *breaks in* "Do you like the tv, Lark?"
Lark: "Oh yeah. I love it."
(then tseng enters, and a few seconds later, reeve enters, looking kind of upset.)
Tseng: "Wow, that's a nice tv."
Reeve: "Yeah." *pouts*
Lark: "Are you okay, Reeve?"
Reeve: "I'm fine. I have to go." *leaves*
Tseng: *comes over to lark and runs a hand down her arm* "He's jealous cause it's you I want." *leaves*
Lark: *jaw drops*
Vincent: "What was *that* about? I must inquire." *leaves*
Lark: *turns to seph* "Did you see that?!"
Sephiroth: "I sure as hell did! Who could miss that?! That little slut!"
Lark: "Sephiroth!"
Sephiroth: "I don't get this at all! He hasn't been straight a day in his life, and out of all the girls around here, he wants you, the one who everyone hits on the mo--" *stops* ".....Oh my g-d."
Lark: "What?"
Sephiroth: "He knows."
Lark: "What?!"
Sephiroth: "He knows. Him, Reeve, Vincent--they all know about us."
Lark: *realizing* "Omg....you're right....they must know. Even when he was trying to act straight he acted gay."
Sephiroth: "Told you." *pause* "They're trying to play games with us to get us to admit we're together."
Lark: "You're right....but you know what?"
Sephiroth: "What?"
Lark: "They don't know we know."
Sephiroth: *gasp* "You're right!"
Lark: "We can get them right back."
Sephiroth: "I'm listening..."
Reeve: "Tseng, that was *great*! Did you see the looks on their faces! That was priceless!" *kisses him*
Tseng: *blushes* "Thanks, Reeve."
Vincent: "I thought steam was going to shoot out of Sephiroth's ears. They'll come clean."
Reeve: "See, Tseng, I told you that would be fun."
Tseng: *shrugs* "Yeah, I--" *his phs rings* "Oh, I swear if this is Rufus...." *picks it up* "Hello? ...........Lark?!....Oh, hi........................You wanna see me tonight in your room?!" *gets wide eyed*
(shift back to lark's room where lark is on the phs with seph trying to stifle laughter behind her)
Lark: "Oh yes. I've been thinking about what you said, and I would be a fool to turn you down. I would *love* to be your first straight lover."
(sephiroth snorts with laughter and lark hits him in the stomach)
Tseng's voice: "Uh....hold on a second."
Lark: *covering the mouthpiece* "Do you hear how nervous he's getting?!"
Sephiroth: "He is *so* gonna crack."
(back in the ramble room)
Tseng: *covering the mouthpiece, frantically* "She wants me to come to her room tonight!! She seriously wants to get together with me!"
Reeve: *paling* "No... It can't be."
Vincent: "Tell her you'll be there."
Tseng: "What?! Are you crazy?!"
Vincent: "Tell her you'll be there at eight. Go on."
Tseng: "All right..." *gulp*
(split screen--I *told* you I picture this like a very screwed up tv show!--on one side we see tseng, looking pretty nervous as he goes back to the phs. on the other side we see lark and seph huddled around the phs eagerly)
Tseng: "Lark?"
Lark: "Yes?" *knowing smile*
Tseng: *determined* "How's eight?"
Lark: *jaw drops* "....Uh...uh...t-that's fine."
Tseng: "See you at eight then. Bye."
Lark: "Bye."
(we switch exclusively to lark's room as she hangs up looking very confused)
Sephiroth: "He's COMING?!"
Lark: "He's coming..."
(back to the ramble room)
Tseng: *collapses on the couch* "I don't believe this. What have I gotten myself into...?"
Reeve: "I can't believe she was serious..."
Tseng: "What have you done to me, Reeve!?"
Reeve: "I'm sorry! I really didn't think she'd cheat on Sephiroth!"
Vincent: "She wouldn't."
Reeve: "Huh?"
Vincent: "Don't you see? They know we know."
Tseng: "Huh? You mean they figured out our game?"
Vincent: "Percisely. But the more we keep playing it, the more confused they'll get, and they'll probably drop out the moment you come to her door."
Tseng: *looks at reeve* "I don't know about this..."
Reeve: "Come on, honey, just a little bit more. Vincent says they won't last much more. Just show up at her door with a bottle of champagne and she'll get freaked and confess."
Tseng: *sigh* "I hope you're right..."
(back in lark's room...)
Lark: "I can't believe this! He's really coming!!" *glares at seph* "You said he would get freaked out and confess."
Sephiroth: "Well I was wrong." *paces*
Lark: "Maybe he really is serious...maybe he really isn't gay..."
Sephiroth: *stamps foot* "Oh please! He has more Broadway soundtracks than you do! Who's he trying to fool?!" *he thinks a moment and then gets a devillish grin* "Oh...I get it..."
Lark: "What?"
Sephiroth: "Don't you see? They know we know they know."
Lark: *scratches head* "This is getting kinda complicated."
Sephiroth: "Well two can play at this game. When he comes over tonight, you really have to come on to him big time and scare him off."
Lark: "Done and done.
Let's pick out my outfit."
Tseng: "Why the leather pants? And why this shirt? Reeve, this whole outfit screams 'I am gay'."
Reeve: "No it doesn't. It screams 'I am hot'. Besides, everything in your wardrobe makes you look gay."
Tseng: "........My Turk uniform doesn't."
Reeve: "Relax. Just go in there and don't give in until she does."
Tseng: "What if she doesn't."
Vincent: "She will."
Tseng: "I've never kissed a girl before....not unless you count that time Elena stuck her tongue down my throat." *shudders*
Reeve: "Darling, you won't have to kiss her. And if for some weird reason you do, it's just like kissing me." *kisses him* "See?"
Tseng: *panics* "I thought you said I wouldn't have to kiss her!"
Reeve: *turns him around* "Relax and knock on the door. We'll be listening from here."
Tseng: "Oh g-d you two better be right." *knocks*
(cut to inside. lark is standing in front of her mirror, fixing her hair. she's wearing a black tank top that dips very low in the front, and a black leather skirt with her knee high boots)
Lark: "I don't like this leather skirt. It's too short."
Sephiroth: "I think it's fine."
Lark: "Of course *you* do! Now get in the bathroom." *starts pushing him in*
Sephiroth: "Don't give in! Be sexy!"
Lark: "Like you need to tell me that." *kisses him and shoves him into the bathroom* "Coming!"
(she opens the door, and there's tseng with the champagne and glasses)
Lark: *looks him over* "Goodness gracious me..."
Tseng: "Hi, Lark."
Lark: "Hey."
(silence)
Tseng: "Uh....can I come in?"
Lark: "Of course! Please." *she steps aside and lets him and she shuts the door* "So...I....um...I'm glad you're here."
Tseng: "I'm glad to be here." *gulp* "I brought some champagne. Would you like some?"
Lark: "I would *love* some."
(he pours two glasses to the brim and they take them and chug them down without taking a breath. then they put the glasses down and look at one another.)
Lark: "Uh....so....this should be....fun, huh? You....me...alone..."
Tseng: "Yeah.... It will be kinda weird... I've never done....you know...*it* with a girl before." *quickly* "Not that I'm scared or anything. I really can't wait." *sweat drops*
Lark: *sweat drops* "Me neither.... Eh heh."
Tseng: "So....uh...how should we start this?
Lark: "You sure you want to go through with this?"
Tseng: "Yes....why...are you having second thoughts?"
Lark: *quickly* "No...I was just thinking that I should give you a massage first."
Tseng: *gulp* "A massage?"
Lark: "Yeah. I like to make sure my lovers are relaxed before we do anything."
Tseng: "Uh...okay. Sounds....great."
Lark: "I'll just get the massage oil." *runs off into the bathroom and shuts the door*
(tseng quickly runs for the door and opens it)
Tseng: *whispers harshly* "I can't do this!"
Reeve: "What? What's going on?"
Tseng: "She went into the bathroom to get massage oil! She's not backing down!"
Vincent: "She will."
Tseng: "You keep saying that, but she's not!"
Reeve: "Have you tried to touch her yet? At all?"
Tseng: "Hell no! Are you kidding me? You know I love Lark, as a friend, but just thinking about doing that freaks me out!"
Reeve: "Honey, you have to! Or she'll never give up!" *pause* "Just kiss her."
Tseng: "What?! You said I wouldn't have to!!"
Reeve: "I take it back. Tell him he has to, Vincent."
Vincent: "It would help."
Tseng: "You're no help!"
Reeve: "Oh come on, Tseng. I bet she freaks out before you get to anyway."
Tseng: "I bet she doesn't. You know I'm cheating on you if I do, Reeve. You know that."
Reeve: *kisses him* "It's okay. Take a deep breath and go back in there."
Tseng: "I really hate you right now."
Reeve: *kisses him again* "Love you."
(tseng grumbles and goes back inside...while this is going on, lark and seph are talking in the bathroom)
Lark: "He's not backing out! He thinks I'm going to give him a massage to loosen him up before we do anything!"
Sephiroth: "You never gave me a massage."
Lark: *hits him on the arm* "Sephiroth! I'm serious! How far am I going to have to go?!"
Sephiroth: "Not much farther." *pause* "Take your top off."
Lark: "What?! Sephiroth, this is no time--"
Sephiroth: "I'm serious!" *he lifts her shirt over her head leaving her in her black lace bra* "Now take the skirt off."
Lark: "What?! What kind of whore am I?!"
Sephiroth: "You're not a whore! You're just going to scare the crap out of him!" *unzips her skirt* "He'll see what you *have* and what you *don't* have, if you get my drift, and get the crap scared out of him!" *indicates her chest* "He doesn't know what those are!"
Lark: "I get the picture." *grabs the massage oil* "Now he's going to think I'm easy."
Sephiroth: "Everyone already thinks that."
Lark: *hits him* "Sephy!"
Sephiroth: "Just kidding! Now get out there!"
(he pushes her out the door, and she sees tseng hanging out near the door)
Lark: "Oh, are you leaving?"
Tseng: *eyes widen at the sight of her* "Uh.....no...no..." *gulp* "Oh boy."
Lark: *flips hair over her shoulder* "What do you think?"
Tseng: "Isn't that the lingere I helped you shop for?"
Lark: *looks down* "Oh yeah. It is."
Tseng: *nervously* "Yeah, I don't know what I used to be thinking....or doing..."
Lark: "Well...whatever...you want to do..."
Tseng: "I...um...I..." *gulp* "I'm going to kiss you now."
Lark: "Not if I do first."
(they walk towards one another *very* slowly. tseng looks oh so very nervous, especially when lark presses up against him, and puts her hands on his shoulders. he puts his hands on her shoulders before he realizes that's wrong and instead rests them very gently on her waist, trying to put a little distance between them)
Tseng: "Oh boy....o-okay." *gulp*
Lark: *gulp* "Here we go....your first...straight kiss."
(they lean towards one another and their lips touch barely and very awkwardly, both of them have thier eyes squeezed shut like they're kissing heidegger or something. then suddenly they both back away at the same time)
Lark and Tseng: "I can't do this!" *blink* "You can't?!"
Tseng: *sigh of relief* "G-d, I'm glad this is over. This whole thing is really stressful. You've figured this out by now, but everything I've said has been pure crap. Reeve and Vincent put me up to this to let you and Sephiroth know we knew about you, and I have just been freaking out over the whole thing. I mean, I love Reeve--more than anything. There's nothing in the world that would make me want to hurt him, and I wouldn't leave him for a billion gil."
(the door opens and reeve pokes his head in, along with vincent. but tseng and lark turn to look)
Reeve: "Tseng...that was....*the* sweetest thing I've ever heard in my life."
Tseng: "You know I meant every word of it."
Reeve: "I feel the same way." *he comes over and hugs tseng*
Sephiroth: *comes out of the bathroom* "If we had a tv audience they would be saying 'aw' right now."
Vincent: "Ah, so there you are, Sephiroth. Hiding in the bathroom."
Sephiroth: "Yeah. Looks like you geniuses figured us out." *takes lark's hand*
Vincent: "It was pretty obvious."
Reeve: "You might want to stop claiming things are broken."
Lark: "I'll take that into consideration."
Sephiroth: "Vincent....are you....mad?"
Vincent: "No. I'm not. Really. I'm happy for the both of you."
Tseng: "So....what about everyone else?"
Lark and Sephiroth: "Don't tell them!"
Reeve: "...guess that answers our question."
Lark: "We would appreciate it. Really."
Vincent: "We will respect your wishes."
Sephiroth: "Thank you, Vincent."
Tseng: "Well, this has been fun, but right now I need a dose of homosexuality." *tugs at reeve's hand* "Come on, Reeve."
Reeve: "Coming, sweetie."
(reeve and tseng leave)
Lark: "Just out of curiousity, what happened to my old tv?"
Vincent: "Reeve and Tseng took it."
Lark: "Who bought this one?"
Vincent: "Rufus."
Sephiroth: "I'll be sure and not thank him."
Lark: *elbows him* "Sephiroth!"
Vincent: "I will leave you two alone. Good night."
Lark and Sephiroth: "Good night, Vincent."
(vincent leaves, shutting the door behind him)
Lark: "Do you really think he's okay?"
Sephiroth: "He's fine. Now let's do what we were going to do when we were *supposed* to be fixing the tv before."
Lark: *grins* "Sounds good to me."
(meanwhile, vincent is walking down the hallway when he bumps into rufus)
Rufus: "Oh, hi, Vincent."
Vincent: "Hello."
Rufus: "I was just going to see how Lark liked the new tv." *goes for the door*
Vincent: "Oh... Uh...you might want to come back later..."
Rufus: "What's that?"
(he opens the door and we cut to an exterior shot of the ramble room, but we can *clearly* hear rufus' voice)
Rufus: "Oh my g-d! That tv looks great!!" *pause* "OH MY G-D! What the--Lark?! Sephiroth?!?!?!?!?"
(cut back to vincent in the hallway, who sighs and shakes his head)
Vincent: "Well, so
much for no one knowing."